If you haven’t read the post just below, “Frontal Lobes,” please start there.

We don’t develop a fully adult frontal lobe until the early twenties. This means that teenagers have to handle the most dangerous time of their lives without a fully functional CEO. Impulse control, anticipation of consequences, the ability to make and hold a plan of action – their brain isn’t yet entirely wired to handle those executive functions.

When teens blow it? What they just did – it was about brain wiring. To demand fully mature problem solving and decision making from a teen brain is like insisting to a six-month baby that she could ride a bike if she only tried harder.

Although I haven’t seen anyone say it, it seems to me that a simplistic definition of adolescence is that it’s the period from pubescence, with its rush of tough-to-manage hormones and body changes, until the frontal lobes mature and can take control.

Adolescence terrifies us parents most when we see that our precious half-child is about to (or just did) something dangerous, destructive, harmful to their future. But when we try to come to the rescue, what happened to “Thank you, Mommy / Daddy"? Repulsed and wounded, we try to control, we nag, we accuse… And if you’ve been there, you know how well that works.

I love the reframe the fMRI research exemplified by Jay Giedd allows when I talk to parents and kids. Teens are willing to hear about brain research that says this important brain function isn’t all there yet. They aren’t being stupid or irresponsible when they blow it. And parents can see that kids aren’t trying to screw up. The part of their brain that could have helped isn’t quite online yet.

The reframe has a major implication. Pointing towards the front of my head, I say to kids, “So picture yourself with a USB port about here. If you don’t have a full-grown frontal lobe yet, you sometimes need to download some frontal lobe. And there’s a full-grown frontal lobe sitting right next to you.” Making it about neurology, about development, takes the embarrassment out. You didn’t screw up because you wanted to, or because you’re stupid. Your brain just wasn’t ready to think things through. But that’s a problem. Sometimes, you need some support. You need to talk to someone who has been there, and figured it out, and can see the pitfalls and help you plan good actions. Sometimes, you need to download some frontal lobe.